I reverted back to a fear-based life, on a hot summer day in 2015 when I was sweating profusely . I remember the precise moment, walking back and forth in the living room of my house like a clock pendulum, peeking into the lush greenery of the slope in our back yard.As the conversation intensified, it felt like the pendulum was out of balance as I was going so much faster back and forth that I felt I am bringing 18th century back to the 21st century within a matter of minutes.

Pandora’s box had opened.

I could feel that through my galloping heartbeat and broken gasps for air rather than normal inhale of air. The demons of fear had been unleashed and they were crawling back into my heart. I had harnessed these demons for a long time. Locking them away in a box safe and sound in a far remote corner of my mind. But on that day, as I was listening to this man on the phone, I could see these demons clawing their way out.

My heart was beating fast as I was clenching the smart phone with my nails close to my ear to hear his sharp, penetrating voice with Texan accent. My mind was speeding at an incredibly high speed, flushing me down with all sorts of thoughts and ideas. I knew I am not just hearing him on the phone. I could hear the voices of all those demons small and big that were being released into my head.

These demons have started dwelling in my head since 15 years ago when I came to live in the United States. It was only a couple years back that I had succeeded to push them in the box where they belonged.

In contrast to the general belief, I had come from Land of Fear as a fearless woman and here I stood in the Land of Freedom fearful yet once again. Experiencing the same fear that started  in me  back in 2000.

I sat on a chair facing the greenery. I thought about my life,  about something Jeff Biesman just crashed me with before he finished:” People in this company are unforgiving, very unforgiving. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, they can be unforgiving. That’s just how they are and if you can’t be like them, you will never be one of them. “

As hard as these words were to hear, they reminded of something familiar and so endearing. I closed my eyes and tried not to think of it. One of those moments that you hope by avoiding concentration, the answer jumps right back at you. The feeling was of old times, when I had not yet known fear.  It struck me…

It was when I believed to be a Little Prince. When I lived in my little Asteroid and no one could take it away from me. Days that had no place for people who chose to be so away from true wisdom that spent their days and night on judging others before themselves. I thought of those days and my fearless life, the advent of fear, the release from fear cycle, and how this moment is changing the cycle again.

Amongst all this sadness, shock, and angst, it was the thought of the Little Prince that had brought a smile to my pale and drawn face without even noticing it.

FarbodM